學測作文批改建議

Breaking down the evaluation criteria

I'm ranking the essay on a 20-point scale, covering content, organization, grammar, and vocabulary. Then, I'll provide detailed sentence-by-sentence corrections and suggestions.

Spotting areas for improvement

I’m noting awkward phrasing and organizational issues. The essay lacks clarity and coherence, and there’s a need for better vocabulary usage and grammatical accuracy.

Evaluating content and structure

The essay's content is basic and lacks depth. Meanwhile, the organization is weak, with no formal structure or paragraph separation, leading to a low evaluation score.

Assessing grammar and vocabulary

The essay exhibits severe grammatical errors and a limited vocabulary. There are frequent spelling mistakes, punctuation errors, and improper word usage, indicating a need for substantial improvements.

Thought about essay evaluation and correction 花的時間為 7 秒

以下答案分為兩個部分，(a) 依據台灣學測英文作文評分標準進行整體評分與建議，(b) 逐句批改與說明，供你參考。

(a) 依據台灣學測英文作文評分標準(滿分20分)進行評分與建議

1. 內容 (5分)

• 評分：3/5
• 說明：文章有點出「是否應該禁止學生在校使用手機」的議題，但說明比較簡略，僅提到「手機可以協助學習」的優點，並未進一步補充實際例子或多面向的討論（例如反方意見、可能的缺點、如何解決使用手機所產生的問題等等），導致內容深度不足。

2. 組織 (5分)

• 評分：2/5
• 說明：全文幾乎沒有段落分段，缺乏清楚的起承轉合。雖然句子之間有少許連接詞（like “first”），但整體層次感不足，缺少明確的結論句或收尾段。若能將主張分段，並在每段的開頭點出主旨，會更有組織性。

3. 文法及句構 (5分)

• 評分：2/5
• 說明：文中有較多文法與句構上的錯誤，如時態、主詞動詞搭配、被動式的使用錯誤等。句子之間也常缺少銜接，導致讀者不易理解。建議在寫作時多加注意句子結構的完整性與正確時態。

4. 字彙及拼字 (5分)

• 評分：2/5
• 說明：雖然有嘗試使用如 “efficiency” 之類的字彙，但仍有多處拼字與用字選擇不精確的情形，如 “rapid quickly” 與 “restrict by using smartphone” 等用法。還有標點符號與大小寫的問題，也建議再多留意。

綜合總分：3 + 2 + 2 + 2 = 9 / 20

建議方向：

1. 內容補充與深度：除了正面理由，最好也能說明反面觀點，或舉出實際例子來強化論點。
2. 段落與組織：寫作時先規劃好段落結構（引言／正文／結論），使用過渡語（如 furthermore, in addition, on the other hand, in conclusion 等）增進文章連貫度。
3. 文法與句型：多練習常見的句型和時態，寫完後自行檢查或使用輔助工具來偵測文法錯誤。
4. 用字與拼字：注意單字拼寫與用字精準度，以及基本的標點和大小寫（句首、專有名詞等）。

(b) 逐句批改與建議

以下先引用原文句子，再給出修改建議與更正示範：

1. 原句

In the picture,it shows the boy using his smartphone during the class,maybe a test or something.

問題

• “it shows the boy” 的句型不夠順暢，可以直接敘述圖畫的內容，或將 “it shows” 重新改寫。
• 建議在逗號 (,) 後面加空格，並在句中保持一致的大小寫格式。

修改建議

In the picture, there is a boy using his smartphone during class, perhaps during a test or some other activity.

2. 原句

in recent years , technologies have rapid quickly, because of this reason ,more and more teenager have been used smartphone in campus, but it also take another concern about whether should student be restrict by using smartphone,

問題

• “in recent years” 開頭要大寫 “In”。
• “technologies have rapid quickly” 語意不通，可改為 “technology has advanced rapidly” 或 “technologies have developed rapidly”。
• “because of this reason” 冗詞，可直接說 “because of this”。
• “teenager have been used smartphone” 語態與單複數錯誤；應該是 “teenagers have been using smartphones”。
• 句子過長且缺少適當標點符號。
• “it also take another concern” 用字不準確，可改為 “there is also another concern”。
• “whether should student be restrict” 應改為 “whether students should be restricted from using smartphones” 或 “whether students should be allowed to use smartphones”。

修改建議

In recent years, technology has advanced rapidly. Because of this, more and more teenagers have been using smartphones on campus. However, there is also a concern about whether students should be restricted from using their phones in school.

3. 原句

in my perspective, i oppose to students be restrict by using smartphone,there are two reasons why I object,first is efficiency of study,

問題

• “in my perspective” 建議改為 “from my perspective” 或 “in my opinion”。
• “i” 要大寫 “I”。
• “oppose to students be restrict by using smartphone” 語法錯誤，可改為 “I oppose restricting students from using smartphones”。
• 中間應注意使用句號或分號分割句子。
• “first is efficiency of study” 可改為 “The first reason is study efficiency.”

修改建議

From my perspective, I oppose restricting students from using smartphones. There are two reasons why I object. The first reason is study efficiency.

4. 原句

with the phone help ,we can easily get useful information from internet, not only save our time but also know deepen the impression of knowledge points,

問題

• “with the phone help” 建議寫為 “With the help of smartphones”。
• 建議加 the internet 或 from the Internet。
• 後面 “not only save our time but also know deepen the impression of knowledge points” 句型結構繁亂。
  • “not only ... but also ...” 是平行結構，需平行對等；
  • “know deepen the impression of knowledge points” 語意不明，可改為「加深印象、理解更深入」之類的表達。

修改建議

With the help of smartphones, we can easily obtain useful information from the Internet. Not only does this save our time, but it also helps us deepen our understanding of key concepts.

5. 原句

by do so,we can have more time to do the things you want to do, that's is why i support students should not been restricted using smartphone in school

問題

• “by do so” → “by doing so”。
• 前後主詞不一致，前面用 “we”，後面用 “you”。在同一段敘述中，建議保持一致。
• “that’s is why i support students should not been restricted using smartphone in school”
  • 結構不順暢，“that’s is” 重複
  • 應改為 “That is why I support allowing students to use smartphones in school” 或 “That is why I support the idea that students should not be restricted from using smartphones in school.”

修改建議

By doing so, we can have more time to do the things we want to do. That is why I support allowing students to use smartphones at school.

綜合修訂後範例

以下提供一個相對完整且組織更清晰的範例，供參考：

In the picture, there is a boy using his smartphone during class, perhaps during a test or another activity. In recent years, technology has advanced rapidly. Because of this, more and more teenagers have been using smartphones on campus. However, there is also a concern about whether students should be restricted from using their phones at school.

From my perspective, I oppose restricting students from using smartphones. There are two reasons why I object. The first reason is study efficiency. With the help of smartphones, we can easily obtain useful information from the Internet. Not only does this save time, but it also helps us deepen our understanding of important concepts. By doing so, we can have more time to focus on other activities or interests.

Second, smartphones can foster creativity. Various apps and tools allow students to complete projects, collaborate with classmates, and learn new skills. If used properly, smartphones can be a positive learning resource rather than a distraction. Therefore, I believe it is more beneficial to educate students on how to use smartphones responsibly instead of imposing a strict ban.

結論

1. 評分：根據台灣學測作文的四大面向評分，你目前的文章大約可拿到 9/20 分。
2. 改進建議：
   • 加強 內容深度：多舉例、同時討論正反面觀點。
   • 加強 段落組織：清楚分段、善用過渡語。
   • 改善 文法與句型：注意時態、主詞與動詞一致、被動與主動用法。
   • 拼字與用字：寫完後多檢查標點、大小寫與拼字。

多加練習並且在寫作前先規劃文章架構，相信會有明顯的進步。祝寫作順利、學業進步!